


You Can Trust Me.

by lizibabes



Series: kink bingo [15]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: BDSM themes, D/s themes, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Restraints, Swearing, Temperature Play, kinky sex games used as therapy, sex.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-14
Updated: 2012-03-14
Packaged: 2017-11-01 23:17:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/362365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizibabes/pseuds/lizibabes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for the prompt restraints on Kinkbingo, child abuse for dark bingo and Kink: fire/ice for Glam bingo. Adam tries to help Tommy work through the trauma of his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can Trust Me.

He'd always had an interest in things that were a little bit kinky, well when it came to porn. He'd realized before he was even out of high school that none of what his friends were watching got him off. Girl on girl, he could appreciate how beautiful the women were, but the films hadn't turn him on, straight porn was worse, some muscle bound ex jock with a monster cock pounding a girl with fake tits, fake hair, fake everything didn't ever work for him either. So he'd tried on guy on guy. It had got the best reaction, but still not great, it didn't make him feel the way he knew his friends felt watching porn.

　

And then one day when he'd been surfing a porn sight, something had caught his eye. A pretty boy tied to a bed with leather restraint. He really liked it, went looking for every video with anything similar; restraints, paddling, flogging, temperature play. So many things he never even thought of trying until he found the videos. He'd soon wanted more though, like most the guys he knew, he wanted to be doing the things in porn, not just watching them. So when he was eighteen, he bought a fake I.D off of a kid called Mark Joans, who could get anything for the right price. Tight clothes, a little eye liner, money and fake I.D in his pocket, he started hitting the BDSM bars he'd found online. He's pretty sure none of the bouncers ever bought his fake I.D, but either way, they had always let him in.

　

And that's when he met Graham. He was older, more experienced, but none of that had been a problem, but there had been problems. He'd admit he was new to pretty much everything and Graham had agreed to take things slow. Introduce Tommy to being with another man, be in a D/s relationship gradually. It had gone well, Tommy liked everything they had tried together, like when he was blindfolded, running ice and hot wax over his skin, he'd loved every minute, the pain, the pleasure. He'd told Graham about liking restraints, so Graham said they should try it, got out leather cuffs, attached to each other by chains. He handed them to Tommy, got him to test their strength and to feel the padded cuffs, so he'd know that wearing these restraints wouldn't hurt him. He'd got hard just from touching them, so very ready for Graham to use the restraints on him.

　

It went well, till Graham got the restraints on his wrists and ankles, keeping him spread out on Graham's bed. The moment he was made helpless by the restraints, it happened, a flood of memories of feeling helpless as a man pinned his wrists with one hand and touched him, did things. He'd freaked out, screaming his safe word, Cobain over and over again. Graham had got the restraints off as fast as he could, but Tommy was crying and shaking by that point. He'd expected Graham to get mad at him, call him a silly kid, say he was through wasting his time on Tommy. But he hadn't, the restraints were hidden away out of sight, Graham helped him get dressed and drove him home, told Tommy, not unkindly, to come back when he was ready. He never went back to Graham. It had taken weeks for him to get up courage to ask about what he had remembered, had only asked about them when his Mom had asked why he was having so many nightmares.

　

She'd broken down and cried and he knew in that moment, that he was right, they weren't just dreams, they were memories that he'd suppressed to protect himself. He didn't ever tell him Mom what triggered the memories coming back. He ditched the clothes, the eye liner and other makeup, tried to get stronger, so he would never be helpless again. Even though he'd liked playing with fire and ice, he gave that up and he never played with restraints again after that, couldn't even use them on someone else. When he'd been abused as a child, the man, a next door neighbor, hadn't used restraints, but he had restrained Tommy, anything like that would send the memories surging through him, making him feel like he was a child again, afraid, helpless, in pain.

　

So he's surprised when he meets Adam, who reminds him a little of Graham, just younger, friendlier, more laid back. He submits to Adam. He shouldn't go pliant when Adam pulls his hair or kisses him, but he does. He tells Adam he can do anything he wants with him, and Adam takes it as Tommy saying he should do anything he wanted on stage, not off and that's so not what Tommy had meant when he said it.

　

It's all going well, he's loving the tour and everything that comes with it. Halfway through the tour, driving down some road, to somewhere, he doesn't know where, he's in Adam's room, watching movies and he falls asleep, only to be shaken awake by a frantic looking Adam.

　

"What, is it time to get off the bus?" Tommy asks. He doesn't sleep well or often, but when he does, sometimes he sleeps like the dead, maybe that's what freaked Adam out. 

　

"No, we're still travelling. Baby, you were having a nightmare, don't you remember?" Adam asks. Voice soft with concern, he reaches out to stroke Tommy's bangs out of his face and it takes everything he has not to lean into the touch. He doesn't remember dreaming, but his skin is clammy and cold, same way it always gets after a nightmare.

　

"I didn't realize I was dreaming. I mean, I can't remember what it was now." Tommy shrugs, sitting up a little like Adam is. He hates feeling all shaky after a nightmare and not even knowing why, adrenaline raising because of the dream he can't remember.

　

"You kept saying Cobain." Adam tells him and it's like a bucket of ice water being thrown over him and he knows what kind of dream he was having, one of many nightmares. If he was calling out Cobain, he was probably having the nightmare of remembering his past on Graham's bed, but instead of freeing him from the restraints like he really had, in the dream Graham doesn't set him free when he safe words. No, in the dream, Graham leaves the restraints on and he gets out ice cubes, shoving them in Tommy's mouth till he's choking and then he gets a candle. It doesn't hurt in a good way this time, it burns and he keeps safe wording, begging for it to stop, even though he knows that in this bed ‘No’ doesn't mean anything, neither does ‘stop’. The only word that can bring things to an end is Cobain, but no matter how loud he screams it, in the dream, Graham just won't stop.

　

"You look pale, are you okay?" Adam asks, slipping an arm around Tommy's shoulders and pulling him in close. He leans into the hug, tense muscles relaxing. He always feels so safe when he's with Adam, when Adam holds him and it's perfect after the restraints nightmare.

　

"Cobain was my safe word." Tommy admits.

　

"Was, you've changed it?" Adam asks, not even blinking an eye over Tommy admitting that he's into BDSM, well was, other than the fire and ice thing, most of the things he thought he wanted to try never got past theory, like restraints.

　

"I don't have one anymore." Tommy shrugs.

　

"Baby, that's not safe." Adam says softly.

　

"I'm not playing without one, I'm just not playing at all. I stick to vanilla sex these days." Vanilla is good, it's fine, it's just not what he dreams about. His dirtiest fantasies are filled with leather, restraints, cold ice and hot wax, much like some of his nightmares. He doesn't get how he can both love and be afraid of BDSM at the same time.

　

"Um, did you give up, decide it wasn't your kind of thing?" Adam asks. He's petting Tommy's back, looking worried and curious at the same time and Tommy doesn't want to lie to him.

　

"I gave it up not long after I started. I'd always wanted to try restraints, but when the guy I was with, Graham, put them on me, I freaked out. Safe worded and never saw him again." Tommy admits quietly. 

　

"It's not for everyone, baby, lots of people don't like being restrained during sex. So when you told me you were Bi in theory, you forgot about Graham?" Adam asks and Tommy's worried he's hurt Adam with his white lie. He might have known he liked men, but he's never dated one. He's less attracted to women, but he's still dated, and the women he's been with have never been the kinky type and never into dominating their partner.

　

"We didn't have sex, handjobs and he blow me, after he did this whole temperature play thing, fire and ice. It was good, but I figured you'd think, like, what guy doesn't like getting head? I think I'm sure I'm Bi, I even think I prefer men, but I've not been with a man." Tommy says in a rush.

　

"Tell me if this is none of my business, why did you stop seeing men, give up BDSM?" Adam asks, still holding Tommy close and he knows Adam so well, knows he won't think less of Tommy for anything he does or has done. He can say anything to Adam, the guy didn't even flinch at Tommy telling him he liked to play with ice, candle flames and wax, and it's far from the kinkiest thing out there, but Tommy knows plenty of people would find it weird that he had it done to him. He's not a masochist, but the burns hadn't hurt, not really and they weren't bad enough to scar or anything. 

　

"I, I always had a thing for restraints in porn. I liked the idea of being dominated by a guy who was bigger than me, stronger. And I stopped after the time I freaked out and I didn't want to be with someone who would want to Dom me." Tommy shrugs. He's not stupid or sexist, he knows women can dominate too, but he didn't date women who did that, but he always seemed to find men who wanted to dominate him. He'd thought about trying again since Graham. Like starting with the fire ice thing, because he knows he likes that, but he's always been too afraid to try.

　

"It must have gone badly, the way you were yelling. I thought you were going to wake up the whole bus before I woke you up. You sounded so afraid, please tell me this Graham guy didn't ignore you when you safe worded?" Adam says, looking horrified.

　

"He stopped, but in my dreams he doesn't, he keeps me restrained and he uses the things he knows I like to hurt me. No matter what I do, he won't stop, but it's just a dream." Tommy shrugs.

　

"Why do you think you have that dream then, what about being restrained frightened you enough to have nightmares?" Adam asks gently.

　

"I liked holding them, I liked watching porn with them being used, but I feel helpless when they’re on me and I can't do that." Tommy sighs.

　

"Maybe he was just the wrong person to Dom you." Adam suggests.

　

"No, it wasn't him, there was nothing wrong with him. It's me, that was the problem." Tommy bites his lip, he should pull away from Adam, go to his bunk, before he spills his guts to Adam.

　

"No, baby, there’s nothing wrong with you, just because you don't like being restrained. Restraints aren't something all couples use, not even all D/s couples. Every relationship is different, but it's never your fault that you don't like a kink." Adam says firmly and Tommy takes a deep breath, he has to say it now or he never will, he'll just leave it to fester. 

　

"I don't like feeling helpless and restraints make me feel like that. I freaked out on Graham because I remembered some repressed memories of child abuse, of me being abused when I was really young." Tommy says, staring at his lap, not daring to meet Adam's eyes. The room’s silent apart from both of them breathing and even that sounds too loud.

　

"Sexual abuse?" Adam asks in a small voice.

　

"Yeah, I don't remember it all and some bits are as clear as if they happened yesterday and the others are cloudy, like I'm watching them through a fog. Ever since I remembered, I haven't been able to make myself vulnerable to anyone." He feels sick and a little numb, disconnected almost, like he's talking about someone else's life. Child abuse is a terrible thing to happen to anyone, abuse full stop, so he feels sad, but not like it's something personal to him. He thinks when the walls inside his brain came falling down and let the memories out, he's been trying to protect himself again, his mind trying to separate him from the pain. Sometimes it works and it'll feel like a distant memory, as over it as he'll ever get, but then something will happen to reopen the wound and it's like it hurts all over again, drags him down.

　

"I hope the bastard is rotting in hell right now." Adam hisses.

　

"I heard he killed himself after his wife found his kiddie porn, but I don't know for sure, we didn't talk about him or what happened to me." Tommy shrugs. He hopes he is dead, he would pull the trigger himself and he wouldn't lose a single nights’ sleep over it. He's not a violent person, but he thinks there should be a special kind of hell for people who abuse children in anyway.

　

"God, I hopes he's dead or in jail where he can't hurt anyone else." Adam all but snarls.

　

"I just wish I could get past what he did." Tommy sighs.

　

"Have you tried? With someone you trust more than you did Graham, like make it not about sex. I mean feel free to say no. But we could use restraints. Start with one hand, then two, then your feet, for longer each time, but with all your clothes on, it wouldn't be about sex, just making you feel a little helpless. You know I'd never hurt you, right?" Adam asks.

　

"I trust you and it sounds like a good plan, it scares me, but it's a good idea. You'd do all that for me?" Tommy asks, because it's asking for a lot.

　

"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it. I care about you a lot, I want to help you if I can." Adam says, holding Tommy just a little tighter and he feels safe, he always feels safe with Adam. If he can do this with anyone, it'll be Adam.

　

"Can we try? I'd like to try." He's lucky to have a man like Adam in his life, one who gives without taking. 

　

"Of course baby, want to stay here tonight? Cuddles?" Adam asks and Tommy doesn't like being alone after a nightmare and he's feeling weird about telling Adam about the child abuse, so he really doesn't want to go be alone in his cold, lonely bunk. And Adam's hugs are awesome. 

　  
+++++++++++++++++  
　

The first time Adam restrains him he only ties one of Tommy's hands up, to the headboard of his bed in a hotel room. Adam sits next to him the whole time, even though Tommy could undo the silk scarf that's being used as a restraint. He could get free if he wanted and Adam's right there with him, talking about the movie on the TV and Tommy makes it through the whole ten minutes Adam has set the alarm on his phone for. A week later both hands tied behind his back while he sits on Adam's bed in the back of the bus. It's harder, a lot harder, he doesn't think he'll last the twenty minutes. But Adam's with him, talking to him. He's so excited that he's making process that he kisses Adam after Adam unties him. Adam pulls back, a question in his eyes and Tommy answers by kissing him again. It doesn't go further than kissing, not in the first weeks, but they do kiss a lot. They don't talk about why much, Adam thinks they both know why. There has always been a spark between them, but when Adam wasn't sure about his sexuality, it wasn't going to happen, but now he knows everything and they can.

　

It's a month before he moves on to real restraints that he won't be getting out of unless Adam lets him. When he asks if he can have his shirt off, Adam looks unsure, so Tommy kisses him quickly and then strips off his shirt, waiting for Adam to trap his wrists above his head in leather restraints, so similar to the kind he had got hard just touching. He wonders if he'll get hard being in cuffs, how Adam will react if he does. Having his shirt off makes him feel more vulnerable, exposed, laid bare, but it's not scary, because when Adam looks at him, there isn't anything bad in his eyes or face. He's pretty good at reading Adam and he knows he's same with Adam, so he lays there, letting Adam take care of him, checking on his hands, kissing his fingers, holding up a drink with a straw so that he can drink. He thinks he could forget about the restraints if not for the strain in his arms. He sees the ice clinking in the glass and shivers.

　

"Too cold, baby?" Adam asks, putting the glass down.

　

"No, the ice, good memories." Tommy shrugs. For once he doesn't feel even a little bad about, because he's starting to see again, that it's okay to like the things he once fantasized about; not everything will trigger a nightmare or a bad memory.

　

Adam fishes a piece of ice out of the soda, smiling softly. 

　

"Safe word if I do something you don't like." Adam says and he puts the ice in his mouth, straddles Tommy's legs and leans in, kissing him, careful with the ice. It feels strange, but good. His mouth soon leaves Adam's, dragging the ice down his neck, holding it with lips and teeth and it makes Tommy shiver, but it's definitely in a good way. Adam's body over his feels good, warm and solid, not frightening, not anymore.

　

Once the ice in his mouth has melted, Adam reaches for the glass again, gets another ice cube, but keeps this one in his fingers, using it to trail lines over Tommy's chest, slowly getting closer and closer to his nipples and when the ice first touches one, he gasps in surprise, pulls on the restraints and he likes the way it feels. Arms in restraints, legs pinned to the bed by Adam's weight and ice running over his skin. It all feels so good and he's not afraid. For so long he had thought he wouldn't be able to have so many things, but maybe he can. He never thought he'd be able to wear restraints without freaking out. Maybe he can't have it all today, but he's confident that he can be with Adam for real. Adam says they can be together without sex, but Tommy wants to share himself with Adam and he thinks, he's almost sure that one day, maybe soon, he'll be able to go all the way with Adam. He's more than a little in love.

　

"Shit, Adam." Tommy hisses as Adam moves, his ass rubbing over Tommy's groin, over his rock hard cock. He's so turned on, by the restraints, by Adam and the ice. When Adam's fingers follow along after the ice they feel like fire, they make his skin tingle, it's not the sharp pleasure of wax, but it's good and he doesn't want it to stop, ever.

　

"I want to make you come, can I?" Adam asks, blowing over the damp trails around Tommy's nipples and it makes him shudder, he doesn't know how something so simple can feel so good.

　

"Yes, please." He can't ever imagine saying no to that question, not when it comes from Adam.

　

Adam melts the rest of the ice on Tommy's skin, lower and lower, Adam moving further back until he's much further down Tommy's legs and the last tiny sliver of ice is at the waist band of Tommy's jeans. 

　

"Can I?" Adam asks, his hand on Tommy's zipper and Tommy's throat is too tight for him to talk, so he nods instead and Adam smiles, slowly, teasingly unzipping Tommy's jeans. He uses both hands to get out Tommy's dick, one cold as ice, the other hot as fire in contradiction and he arches up into Adam's touch, cursing the restraints and the way he's trapped under Adam. He likes it at the same time, just a part of him wishes his hand weren't restrained so that he could touch Adam, but he can do that next time, because he knows there will be a next time.

　

Adam's back bows as he bends down and it looks hot, but probably not that comfortable for Adam, but when Adam's lips seal around the head of his cock, well he's not going to complain. He's really not going to complain, because fuck, Adam's mouth warm and wet around the head of his cock and his hand wrapped around the base of his cock, still a little cooler than the rest of him from holding the ice cubes. When Adam takes more of Tommy's cock, sucking hard, Tommy moans, manages to stop himself from thrusting, but he does jerk against the restraints again. They don't hurt his wrists and he likes the way they feel, it's hot, the way it had always gotten to him in porn. He doesn't feel helpless or afraid, he feels safe, turned on, his whole body humming with pleasure. 

　

"Adam." He moans brokenly, because he didn't know it could feel this good, he's had blowjobs before, but not mixed in with restraints and temperature play. His whole body feels ultra-sensitive, Adam's every touch sending shock waves through him, making him tremble and shake, till he feels like nothing more than a boneless mess sprawled out on the bed. 

　

"Adam." He says in warning because he's close and he doesn't want to fuck things up by being an asshole and coming in Adam's mouth if he doesn't want; that would be a dick move. Adam doesn't pull off though, just a little, his tongue running over the head of Tommy's dick and that's it, he's gone, his orgasm feels like it's pulling him apart, but in a really good way, so good his vision goes a little white. He's totally out of it, he's not sure for how long, all he knows is that the restraints aren't around his wrists anymore and Adam is massaging his hands, making sure they're okay. He makes the most of having his hands free now, pulling Adam close, getting another kiss. He loved Adam's mouth on his body, on his cock, but he wants Adam's mouth on his. When he runs his hand over the very noticeable bulge in Adam's jeans, Adam puts a hand on his, stopping him gently.

　

"Next time, I want you to, but next time. We have all the time in the world, baby, I'm not rushing this." Adam explains, leaning into kiss Tommy again, slow and sweet. Adam helps him clean up and they both change into pajamas, getting into the huge bed that came with Adam's hotel room, well his and Adam's hotel room. He always rooms with Adam now, the whole band knows that. They've all been looking so happy for him and Adam, it's kind of cute. Tommy hasn't told them about his past or issues, but one thing at a time. He's told Adam and Adam's helping him work out things for himself. Maybe once he's worked through some more stuff, he'll be able to tell them, maybe one day it'll be easier to talk about it. He's not sure it'll ever be easy, his mind and soul bearing the scars of what happened, but at least they are scars now, less like open wounds. Together, he's getting past it, Adam's helped him get to a place where he is happy and really that's what matters. Kinks aside, he's happy and in love and that outweighs everything.

　

The End.


End file.
